I had my last session with my therapist aout two weeks ago. She was looking through her papers of our last threee years together, and she said my life follows a distinct pattern. Long story short, every time things are going well for me, I subconsciously do something to ruin it. Every time I am close to anything remotely like happiness, I get cocky and end up right back where I started. This mainly centers around relationships. I have not always had the best judgement when it comes to people and admitting things to myself when things get bad. You see, at heart I am a die hard caretaker. I have learned too many times that this only leads to heartbreak, and that's the least of it. Codependency, toxic relationships, mental and physical abuse (not that I have been physically abused, but codependency can lead to this), drug and alcohol abuse, and viscious anxiety to name a few others. I have been manipulated and fucked with on more occasions than I care to mention. I have been told that if I continue on this path I'll end up alone, or worse, an abuse or rape victim. I get in far too deep too quickly, and I don't realize this until it is too late. On a very distorted level, I see the good in people. I rationalize red flags like I get paid for it. There is a time and a place where you have to sit down and tell yourself that it's over, but I have this annoying nagging voice in my head, and I obsess over what could be to the point of insanity. For years and years I searched for self worth through other people, I judged myself on the way I was received by the wrong ones. People who treated me badly, and people who took me for granted. I figured it was right, and that there was something wrong with me. I know now that I am capable, I am deserving of someone good. I have found someone good, and when we are together my life is the closest to perfect it has ever been. And this is frightening, but I trust him as much as I can allow myself too, which is more than I can say for my previous relationships. You see, no one is perfect. You have to come to this realization. However, you also have to factor in that some flaws cannot be overlooked. You have to listen to your heart, but you also need to be logical about things. I came into his life just as things got really bad, and he came into mine just as things got really good. He makes me happy and I've never felt like this about anyone, but he does not believe any of this. He says that I'm too good for him, and it kills me. I want nothing more than to show him what he really deserves, but I can't. He says he can't give me what he wants, but I'm worried I can't give him what he wants. I wish so badly I could tell him how I feel, but it just might make him feel worse. I can't even put it into words. Every time I come across something great, it is haulted by something I cannot control. And there are always these voices battling in the background, one saying "this could be great, you can be happy" and another that's saying "what makes you think anyone would ever love you? give up". The problem is, I believe both of them. So I am constantly stuck in this limbo, I drive myself insane with the thought of an end and the possibility of something good, if only I was good enough. It seems that no matter what, I always come to that conclusion. That I am not good enough for anyone. Life keeps proving me right. I back myself into a corner, and build up ideas that don't make any sense.

I'm not really sure what has lead me to this place. I care, and I care, because it's all I know how to do. But caring is something you cannot touch, and you can't make people feel something they don't want to. You can tell someone they are great and mean it as many times as you like, but that doesn't mean they'll believe it. That no matter what you say, or how you feel, or how much you feel, it can't really change anything.  You can't spend time trying to control things. Everything is out of control, all of the time, everything is constantly changing. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. I hardly ever know what to do about anything, but somehow I make it through the night. For whatever reason, I can't ever be stable. I can't close my eyes and relax. I can't be happy. I never stop moving, and I never stop thinking. I have tried to cut off corners of my brain, and for a while that worked. I put effort into being comfortable with myself, and making a change. I want so badly to make things easy again, but I know I can't. It took a bomb to set me free, not that I am not free now. I will always have discontent, but I know I can feel free again. I can't afford to live in the past, but the present is more unbearable every day. Maybe this will end soon, that's what I'm hoping. I wish things could be easy for me, but that would require me making them easy. And that is just not my style. I can't help but wonder why I can't be like other people, they live their lives carefree and nothing seems to bother them. It seems like everything comes to them so easily, when I am fighting for the simplest things. Every time I find a shred of peace it is ruined by something that is out of my control. I feel on edge, and I don't know how to quell this feeling in the pit pf my stomach. I know it's fear, and I don't know where it comes from. I wish I knew why I am so afraid to feel, so pretrified of dealing with emotions. I am afraid that if I fail once more, I will be driven over the edge. I can't do one thing without messing up another. People don't change, that is a plain and simple fact. My best friend of three years threw me away like I was nothing. But it showed me that I am not nothing, he is nothing. He is a coward and a liar. I will never be like that. I don't think I will ever escape this paranoia, it is always lurking inside no matter what. But I will do whatever it takes to be who I am and not be dragged into believing that what someone like that thinks of me should effect how I feel about myself. Why would I want to be with someone who makes me feel like I'm not good enough? I wish I could have asked myself that months and months ago, before I was involved in an eight month train wreck that my friends and family were forced to sit down and watch. I don't know where my head is, but I know it is not all here. I feel lost and as if my feet never touch the ground. I just want to curl up into a ball and give up, but I don't. And I don't know why. I want to get out of this place, but wherever I go I know it will be the same. It's not my home, it's not the people. It's me, it's my mind, it's everything.

Never trust anyone, especially your best friend. Never assume anyone knows how to drive. Never date your friends. Never smoke pot in a parking garage. Never go grocery shopping sad. Never drive while crying. Never underestimate what people are capable of. Never go to the beach without shoes. Never forget who you are. Never dismiss the idea of a therapist, now matter how healthy you are. Never judge a book by its movie. Never completely fall in love with anyone. Never get drunk at a party before you know where the bathroom is. Never let other people define who you are. Never start smoking. Never lie. Never take for granted a quiet evening alone. Never think that no one loves you. Never act your age. Never let anyone who would want to hurt you hurt you. Never do something just for the money. Never sleep. Never be judgmental. Never make a living out of something you hate doing. Never forget who you are. Never look back. Never stop creating. Never stop wanting. Never stand in the middle of the street at night. Never admit to yourself that you love anyone. Never proclaim anything yours, because nothing ever is. Never drink any citrus beverage after you've brushed your teeth.